L.I.S.T.E.N

Dear you,

I have been putting on this title as i am so lack of this recently. I need someone to listen to me and yet, there is no one out there that i can even talk to or willing to listen to me. So, you are the only one that i can turn to and talk nonstoply.

I have been in a bad and sad mood lately. Sadness around me and my positive energy is getting drawn by my sadness. I am trying so hard to pull myself up and keep on struggling to fight with my pessimistic thinking, no matter how hard i try, it beats me up and i loss to this so called negative thoughts. I tried with several ways, i tried to read books, to watch movies in order to cheer myself up and i tried to find my closest friends to talk and yet there is no one out there that is really willing to spend their precious time and listen to me.

I am so lonely, really feel like empty inside my mind and heart, the lonely feeling creeps me always...loneliness, at first, i thought i m cool with it since i m with my family, i m with my friends, but, there is always a but,  no one can see and feel that i m lonely..the loneliness and insecurity feeling make me cry for several nights, if there were tears, yea, it should be better, but there isn't any tears, cry with no tears..that feeling sucks..i really wanted to share it out with ppl around me but whenever i find a chance to talk about it, i can see that they are busy with their works and tasks...how do i talk then??  force them to listen to my problems??

People tend to think me as being emo, throwing tantrum but somehow i know, there is a reason why i am not happy with things around me, whenever i wanted to talk about it, i miss the chance to do or it's not the right time to talk things. But things repeat, it comes back eventually and my reaction is the same as always until it leaves an image to people that my mood isn;t good always or i am an unpredictable person. I want to explain and yet i have lost all my energy to do so. People tend to move on, and since it's not their problem, they will not care about it and so when it repeats, the harmfulness will go back to only myself instead to others. It does ring a bell to me but not to others. I understand that after a few days, things will go back on track and be like normal again, but i know this is really the time, things should be settled because i don want to see the same me, the same situation happens again and again. No one teach and tell me that and i got to learn it and get awake all by myself. This is something that i cant seek help with, and since no one can fully understand me, then i might shut the "seeking help" door and find my own way to live on.

Maybe i tend to take myself very seriously. Buddha is recorded as having said, "if you could summarize all my teachings into just one, it would be this - to disavow everything beginning with I, me or mine". I am not good at this and that's why, i have been suffering that much to get rid the "my" problem and feel like others should listen to "my" problem. What i need is just an ear, lend it to me for maybe an hour, let me talk and talk until all my problems, all my thoughts are being thrown out of my mind, and yet, there is no room for this.

Whatever it would be, thanks to you, at least, you give me your patience and let me write it out. I should get out of the "I" and focus more on the "you". Actually, i have been doing this since long ago, am i going into wrong way or "you" don't see me getting rid of my "I" part?